I have an ever extending to do list. I want to read more books, publish more books, spend more time with my boyfriend, my friends, sing in an acapella choir, etc…
Wanting to do all these things feels like a lot sometimes, but these are all things I'm excited to do. Even though they’re mostly small things, I am excited to wake up and do them every day, and I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do, because there’s so much I want to do. I also want enough time to be able to just stare into space for a while, you know?
So, all of that is actually awesome. Sometimes I don't think I'm doing so well, because things are happening slower than I want them to. But if I'm excited about what I'm doing every day, I must be doing something right.
It’s also not so much a fear of running out of time, but an annoyance with transitioning from one thing to the next. I’m not done reading on my lunch break when I have to go back to work. I’m not done writing when it’s time to make dinner. I can never find enough spare moments to practice my songs. I want to spend more than just lunch with a friend. There’s just not enough hours in the day.
It’s not so much a fear of dying. I feel like I’ll *probably* have enough time in my lifetime to do most everything I want. It’s just running out of things to do in a day, but at least I can say, well, there’s always tomorrow. I mean, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying, “you don’t know that.” Which I suppose a bit of that is healthy now and then. But, if I was really afraid of dying too early I think I’d be all about eating super healthy, exercising, meditating, etc. Why am I no doing those things? Oh yeah, because I don’t have time!