I don’t understand why I always feel like I’m running out of time. Like, I know they say “live as if you’ll die tomorrow,” but I take that way too literally. This is the source of all the anxiety in my life. I just feel like I don’t have enough time. And I don’t get it when older people say “you’re young, you have plenty of time,” because time keeps moving exponentially faster. No one told me about this. No one said a word of warning, and they damn well should have even though I don't know how I would have prepared myself for it. If time keeps moving like this, faster and faster as the years pass, isn’t most of my life already over? And that’s just assuming I don’t get hit by a bus or something, you know, TOMORROW.
At the same time, I know this is a ridiculous fear. I’m 27 years old. If I have kids, I'm adopting, so it's not like I'm worried about a biological clock. I've always been healthy, so I'm not worried about dying early of any kind of disease. So, what's this about?
My dreams have always been either way too big, or way too small. Like, my dream is to actually live in the world of magic, so I had to “settle” for aspiring to be a bestselling author (too big). But then I realized I needed a day job to support myself WHILE I worked on authoring, and any old thing would do (too small).
At the same time, I know this is a ridiculous fear. I’m 27 years old. If I have kids, I'm adopting, so it's not like I'm worried about a biological clock. I've always been healthy, so I'm not worried about dying early of any kind of disease. So, what's this about?
My dreams have always been either way too big, or way too small. Like, my dream is to actually live in the world of magic, so I had to “settle” for aspiring to be a bestselling author (too big). But then I realized I needed a day job to support myself WHILE I worked on authoring, and any old thing would do (too small).
This hits me really hard.
I'm not as afraid of putting time into something and then failing as I am of putting time into something and then realizing it's not what I really want. I want the time to be worth it. Trouble is, then I get paralyzed and don't pick anything. And when I do find something reasonable, why can't I just do it NOW?? I don’t want to waste any more time.
I know this fear isn't exactly logical. I also know there’s nothing wrong with being lost like this. I guess I’m just impatient. I often have to remind myself of two things:
1) You are probably not going to die tomorrow
2) You are doing the best you can
Actually chasing my dreams is what life's all about, right? In doing so, I'm way ahead of people who are afraid to try, right? Calm down, enjoy the moment, be happy, etc?
No, I'm not going to end this post with some cheesy life lesson like the questions above, except maybe that it's okay to be lost. Everyone gets this way. And on occasion, everyone also gets those super clear moments when it seems like we have life 100% figured out.
Then the moment's gone, like all the others before it.
But hey, it'll be back.
Probably.
Maybe
We'll see.
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